Earlier in my career at a Fortune 200 company, I was sitting in a boardroom presenting a new strategy to directors. I can still picture the room: the long polished table, the glass windows, the rows of mostly male executives around me. I knew my material cold. I had done the work, understood the numbers, anticipated the questions.

And yet, when the questions came, I was exceedingly careful. I answered thoughtfully, but gently. I wanted to appear competent, certainly, but also agreeable. Collaborative. Not too forceful. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was calibrating not only whether the strategy would be accepted, but whether I would be accepted.

Afterward, another executive presented. He was sharp, direct, even aggressive at times in pushing back on questions. But the board did not interpret his confidence as abrasive. They interpreted it as bold leadership.

I remember realizing something very clearly in that moment. I understood that in addition to presenting my ideas, I had spent much of my life carefully positioning myself in ways that felt socially acceptable as a woman, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

That moment came back to me recently when everyone in town was buzzing about the hit musical “Suffs.” I ended up catching the replay on television, and one moment hit me. In the song “Worth It,” Alice Paul, the relentless strategist behind the suffrage movement, questions the personal cost of the fight. Around her, some women step away for marriage, family, exhaustion or simply different priorities. The moment feels deeply modern because it exposes the emotional complexity women still carry around ambition, sacrifice, visibility and power.

My grandmother fought for women’s right to vote, a right that was not fully secured in the United States until 1920 with the ratification of the 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution. I grew up understanding how recent that change really was and how hard women fought to participate fully in civic life.

In college and in the years that followed, I spent countless hours encouraging women to vote. What surprised me was not resistance from men, but how many women themselves seemed uncomfortable with the idea of power. Many had internalized the message that ambition could make a woman less likable, less feminine or somehow less acceptable.

Research suggests those tensions are not imagined. A recent University of Georgia study, “Women are constrained by gender stereotypes in leadership roles,” found that women leaders often feel pressure to appear nurturing and agreeable rather than direct and authoritative. Researcher Joanna Lin noted that women leaders experience “inconsistency about what you are supposed to do as a woman in leadership” because they are expected to be “warm and friendly” while also acting decisively as bosses. Women who behaved more assertively frequently reported feeling depleted and emotionally exhausted.

Similarly, a recent article Harvard Business Review article by Deepa Purushothaman and Colleen Ammerman, “How Women in Leadership Can Shape How Others See Them,” described leadership for women as a “lose-lose scenario where they’re either seen as competent but cold or likable but not very effective.” The authors argue that many women leaders end up overcompensating or over-accommodating in response to stereotypes, often leaving them feeling exhausted and inauthentic.

That dynamic still plays out constantly in popular culture. The recently released “Devil Wears Prada” sequel revived conversations about the “too powerful woman” archetype. The protagonist, modeled on the iconic Vogue editor Anna Wintour, demonstrates decisiveness and exacting standards, yet these are interpreted not as leadership traits, but as emotional or character flaws. And then there was “Barbie,” the blockbuster hit from a few years ago, where America Ferrera’s monologue struck a nerve because it captured the exhausting contradictions women navigate every day. We’re told to be ambitious but not threatening, confident but not arrogant, nurturing but still successful.

Why are these stories resonating so deeply right now? Perhaps it is because many women are still navigating systems and expectations that were not designed with them in mind, while also grappling with renewed cultural pressures to be smaller, quieter or less ambitious. But perhaps the struggle has also evolved into the more personal and internal challenge of learning to inhabit leadership and influence without apology.

I believe that may be the next frontier for women. Not simply gaining access to positions of leadership, but defining leadership on our own terms. Speaking directly without apologizing for clarity. Supporting other women instead of treating opportunity as scarce. Building coalitions and sponsorship networks. Refusing the false choice between strength and humanity. And perhaps most importantly, deciding for ourselves what ambition, leadership and success should look like rather than inheriting definitions that are antiquated.

My grandmother’s generation fought to open the doors. Today’s generations may be tasked with walking through them fully and finally becoming comfortable with the sound of our own voices once we arrive.

I reached out to leaders and asked how they learned to define leadership and ambition on their own terms rather than through others’ expectations.

Alicia Chilton, vice president of marketing, Greater Des Moines Partnership

Leading on your own terms means learning to identify and develop a brand of leadership that aligns with who you were made to be, not with who someone else was made to be. It is scary to say, “I bring value – as I am and as I am becoming.” Thoughts like “But what if others don’t see it that way?” or “What if I do something that diminishes my value?” can be very loud. It is uncomfortable and disorienting to step into your own light. But experience and time are wise teachers. Embracing opportunities with courage and giving myself grace to grow over time are two mentalities I lean on to cultivate flourishing. 

Goizane Esain Mullin, artist, graphic designer/creative strategist, Goizane Design and RBI Marketing

I think of leadership in terms of curiosity, empathy, impact and the ability to create work and environments that genuinely help other people. Part of my perspective comes from being very interested in human behavior, such as what motivates people to act, makes them feel safe, inspired or resistant, and how to build trust. That has shaped how I lead creatively and strategically to create impact. For me, ambition is being brave enough to be your authentic self and building thoughtful, human-focused work that aligns with your personal values, is sustainable and valuable to others.

Whitney Warne, owner, Evoke EQ and Ivory House Photography

At its core, leadership is learning how to lead while also allowing yourself to be held and supported by the people around you. It is no longer about what I can do, but about who I am in the room. It’s trusting that my energy, perspective and conviction are enough — not to command people, but to create an atmosphere of authentic collaboration.

Great leadership is less about personal achievement and more about creating inspired followership. You cannot force people to become their best selves or do their best work, but you can create the conditions where they want to. This takes integrity, consistency, self-awareness and a willingness to go first.

Now, my greatest ambition is not building projects or businesses, but becoming someone who trusts deeply and is trusted in return. When you have that, you build teams capable of facing almost any challenge with enthusiasm, resilience and confidence.

Meg Whitty, founder and CEO, Resolve Advisory

Early in my career, I defined ambition by external markers: promotions, diplomas, productivity and the feeling of getting ahead. When I received my first promotion, I immediately wanted the next one. But about eight years ago, becoming a mom shifted my perspective. And over the last year especially, I found myself drawn to Stoic thinking, including the idea that we cannot control outcomes, only our choices, values and how we show up.

Since then, I’ve redefined leadership and ambition on my own terms. Leadership is less about proving how much I can do and more about setting an example through purpose, presence and meaningful impact. A few weeks ago, I found something that gave me some reassurance that I’m on the right track. I found a video my 5-year-old daughter had recorded on my phone. In it she says, “That’s my mom, Meg. She’s totally awesome.” My best performance review yet.