Kerri Hays

We will do many hard things throughout our lives.

Some of these are things we choose to do, like run a marathon or tackle a big work project. 

Others are things that life presents to us through which we have no choice but to push through. Like a destructive weather event, a car crash on the way to work or losing a loved one. 

The Fearless podcast is releasing a three-part series titled “Doing the Hard Thing.” The first episode explores the topic of grief: why we shy away from talking about it and how we can better navigate it to honor the experience.

Kerri Hays is a death doula who helps individuals navigate death and the dying process. She was inspired to help others after the loss of her mother to cancer. She is a part of the Death Positive Movement and teaches a course called “Crafting Your Death Plan,” which helps folks plan their end-of-life wishes.

Hays joined the Fearless podcast to share what she’s learned through her work and how she helps people approach death in a more positive and open way.

Here are four takeaways from the conversation.

1. The practices of a death doula are nothing new

Before Hays’ mother died in 2019, she had never heard of a death doula. But grief made her more curious about death and dying, and she began to research. 

“We’re not inventing anything new when it comes to the term death doula,” Hays said. “We’re basically relearning how our ancestors dealt with death. I studied every piece of literature I could get my hands on. What do other cultures around the world do for death practices? In that process of that research, I realized that we’re really missing something important. As a caretaker, there were things that I wish I would have known or would have been educated about.”

Along with her course, Hays works with Death Cafe Iowa, which leads a conversation around death once a month. People at any point in the death and dying process can show up to talk about their experiences and learn from others.

2. We are all going to die some day

Hays explained that Americans tend to have a fear of death. But given that every person’s life has to someday come to an end, being prepared can make navigating grief easier.

“If we can have that brain shift of, it’s a normal, expected and even healthy thing that bodies will go through, it kind of changes the narrative,” Hays said. “We as a society are obsessed with youth. It stems from us losing touch with being OK with talking about death and grief. Be brave enough to ask yourself some of those questions: What are my wishes when I die?”

3. We need to talk about death more

Hays said one of the things that surprised her the most around her mother’s death was what the active dying process looks like.

“The cool thing about the human body is that it knows how to die, like it knows how to give birth,” Hays said. “The human body will go through certain things during the active dying process that as a caretaker, I wish I would have been given a heads-up on.”

A few images of her mother’s death haunted Hays because she wasn’t prepared for what she was going to see. She also said people have a fear of talking to you about your dead loved ones after they have passed, which prevents opportunities for people to positively reminisce on the person they lost.

“In America, we don’t give ourselves permission to even talk about your dead loved one, to say their name,” she said. “Whenever someone mentions my mom’s name or a memory, it makes my day. So I’m just like, ‘Why don’t we give ourselves permission to do that?’ Instead of saying, ‘Oh gosh, I’m so sorry for that loss,’ you could say, ‘What was their name? Tell me something about them.’”

4. Communicate openly about death while your loved ones are still here

As if grief isn’t difficult enough, the end of a person’s life requires legal proceedings that can take a lot of time, money and patience.

“We had a couple months leading up to [my mom’s] death where we thought we were asking all of the right questions, but then again, I wasn’t really educated in what my options were and what specific questions really we should be asking her.”

Hays encouraged people to have an idea of what they want after their death and to communicate it openly.  “Grief in itself is a full-time job, and having a plan in place really is a gift to your loved ones,” she said. 

Listed to the episode