Guest essay: The stories we carry
By Mackenzie Ostrem
This year, I made a point to genuinely connect with other women — getting to know the real stories of both familiar faces and new acquaintances. It’s one of the most energizing shifts I’ve made for myself, sharing an authentic conversation over a cup of coffee.
This key takeaway has resonated deeply from my talks with these women:
Every woman carries two kinds of stories.
One is a story of being dismissed, underestimated or made to feel less than – because of gender, race, age or background.
The other is about the woman who showed up for her. Who lifted her up and became the voice she couldn’t find when she needed it most. The woman who recognized her power when she struggled to see it herself.
It made me realize what an incredible system of support is readily available to us if we can just stay curious and tuned in to the women around us.
There’s no sugarcoating it – being a woman in the world right now is complicated. Navigating a male-dominated field as a woman can often feel isolating.
We’re seeing progress, undeniably – women are leading companies and shaping futures, even here in Des Moines. However, concrete ceilings still feel very real. The criticism endured by women like actress Ellen Pompeo, who famously advocated for her value and was attacked for it, and the continued misinterpretation of our emotional intelligence as weakness, are stark reminders.
I’ve felt it, too.
Sharing my journey as a woman in tech often brings up feelings of imposter syndrome, a direct result of societal messages that make me question my place: “Why me? I’m not an engineer. Who am I to speak? Will men in the room relate? Will they care?”
This insecurity is compounded by experiences early in my career. I remember vividly a manager smacking my butt in front of coworkers. I froze, completely unsure of how to react. The feeling of being so objectified and unsupported in that moment ultimately led me to quit.
Heartbreakingly, my experience isn’t unique. Many women carry stories like it.
And yet, if the past few months have taught me anything, it’s this: What we believe about ourselves is just as powerful as what the world believes about us.
Believing those ceilings are solid concrete only solidifies them. When we internalize labels like “too emotional,” “too old” or “too much,” we strengthen the very walls that confine us. Those repeated narratives become our self-made cages. Thankfully, the incredible women I’ve connected with have shown me a powerful truth: We have the agency to choose a different story. They’ve helped me rediscover my self-confidence and reflect back the strength that was always within me.
So, instead of giving in to those limiting beliefs, what if we reframe our internal narrative? What if we told ourselves, “My sensitivity and empathy are leadership strengths, allowing me to understand and support those around me.” And, “My authenticity and vulnerability create genuine connections, making me a trusted and approachable leader.”
“Being a woman doesn’t diminish my impact. In fact, my voice is vital, and I’m excited for everything that’s ahead.”
Here’s what I’m holding onto, and what I want to leave you with:
Find your people. The people who uplift you in moments of exhaustion and offer honest feedback when you need it most are invaluable. I remember a woman once saying to me, “This is how your actions are being perceived.” Her directness, though challenging, was a turning point, offering a clarity no self-help book could provide. Honest feedback, delivered with care, is a true gift.
Be crystal clear about what you want. If you want people to advocate for you, make your goals known. Don’t be subtle or hesitant. Share them openly and repeatedly with a broad network. They can then actively help you reach those goals, offering fresh perspectives and uncovering hidden opportunities.
Lead with empathy – especially if you carry privilege. I have to recognize that my privilege as a middle-class white woman shields me from many of the realities faced by women of color and those from marginalized communities. I believe our leadership must be rooted in active support. This means being aware of who lacks a voice, speaking out on their behalf when they cannot, and intentionally amplifying voices that deserve greater recognition, especially when those individuals are not in the room.
Invite allies into the room. Change requires more than internal discussions between women. We need men and allies willing to learn and be wrong. My partner’s attendance at a women-in-tech event sparked a crucial understanding: “I didn’t fully understand your experience until now.” Awareness grows through these honest, individual exchanges.
For us to achieve lasting systemic change, we’re going to need a powerful force of allies, and that undeniably includes men actively standing beside us. I’ve been lucky to have feminist men who’ve proactively helped me find opportunities and used their voices when mine was limited. That support truly makes a difference.
The road is messy. The world is noisy.
But we are not powerless.
Together, we are the power.
From her Midwestern roots, Mackenzie Ostrem learned the value of hard work and adaptability. After forging a successful career path in tech, motherhood ignited a newfound confidence that fueled her leadership aspirations. Overcoming personal and professional challenges, including a health scare, she’s become a champion for self-trust and its power to transform teams. At Shift, the company she co-leads, Ostrem creates a culture of authenticity and support. She’s passionate about building up women in tech leadership and helping others find their voice and build more fulfilling, agile work environments. She runs a Girls Who Code group, hoping to develop the next generation of future technology leaders.
